Take lessons from Chet, my suitor. (Remember him from Addled by a Drug and The Poetry of Seduction?) He’s mastered the art of how not to impress me.
His problem? He allows one false premise guide him during our courtship; that he needs to impress me. Who wants to be impressed? Not me.
Why did he tell me that he got a perfect score on his SATs? At our age, who cares? Who even remembers their score? Maybe if mine had been perfect I’d remember. But still, all these years later that’s hardly something I’d be chatting about.
And why, oh why, show off his silk tie? We’re sitting in a bar, a low, round table separating us. He leans in to me. I mimic his movement, leaning toward him, thinking he has something significant to say. Instead he holds his tie out to me, says, “Feel this. It’s silk.”
He thinks I’m going to be impressed by stroking his silk tie?
I’m sitting there in my caressingly soft cashmere sweater, Hermès silk scarf and butter soft leather pants, my leather jacket with mink collar and cuffs tossed over the back of my chair.
Poor man. I can picture him anquishing over his tie selection, choosing the one he thought would impress me.
Wasted time.
As my mother always said, “Quality speaks for itself. No need to draw attention to it.”
What tactics did suitors attempt to impress you? Did they work?
Wow, sad to read about this kind of encounter. Seeing men trying too hard… they are leaving their integrity and chance to be genuine in the dust. Just not that hard to be yourself. But that probably doesn’t feel so good from his perspective. Next! I want my “other” to be authentic. No drama, no (head) games, just fun.
Hi Bob: You hit the nail on the head with your reference to intergrity and genuineness.
Guilty.
Human nature is what it is. Chemistry is what it is. When both elements are not in perfect harmony in a courting situation, I have found myself to be guilty of gilding my own lily to impress and gain approval. It IS sad, and a telltale sign that things are not going to work. It hurts to say that there is one woman in my life – the “one that got away” – who I tried all through my youth to impress and reel in. I wanted her so much that I could never be myself around her and always kicked myself after each encounter. I couldn’t help it. Stupid little things that I KNEW she could see right through. It feels like she never saw the real me. I always hoped she would come around and realize that, through all the smoke, I was still a great catch. It never happened. To this day we remain special friends, but recognizing the futility of my efforts took me a very long time.
But I never showed off my tie.
Hi Boy Toy: You never showed off your tie, and it sounds like you learned the lesson that Bob referred to in his comment, about the importance of being genuine and maintaining your intergrity.
I have a slightly different view on this tale. It is obvious that the spectrum of human behavior is vastly wide and deep. Within this spectrum, there are those individuals who were brought up to believe they are bright, beautiful, talented, funny, loved, on and on and on. These mature into self-confident individuals who know who they are and are very secure.
Also on this spectrum are those individuals who were told they weren’t bright, nor pretty nor talented, on and on and on. The outcome of this upbringing will be an individual who needs to be told they are bright , talented, pretty…. When one lacks self respect and confidence seeking it from others seems to be a natural outcome.
This observation may very well not apply here but ????
I am sure we can all agree, Chet’s days are numbered. Keep the stories coming Georgia.
BF
BG
Hi Big Fan: Of course your observation applies here, completely. That’s why the evening was so painful. And yes, you will hear more about Chet.
Just seems so out of character. A hot second date, reciting To His Coy Mistress, then this. Poor Chet. Maybe he’s just trying too hard. Maybe since he’s the “wrong man” he no longer knows what to say. I can understand that one. We all have an emotional bucket we need to keep from getting empty. Sometimes people fill it, sometimes they empty it. Simple, fun, easy things fill it up. Worrying about saying the right thing, or having to behave in a way someone else thinks you should, empties it out. May you both find someone else to fill your bucket.
Hi Jimmy: Do you have a story to share with us about having your emotional bucket emptied? Or about watching someone else drain their own bucket?
It’s so sad to think about people who seek from others what they didn’t get from their own parents. BigFan is so right. As a mother, you hope to build up your child’s self-esteem, without setting them up for disappointment when they meet others who are smarter, prettier, better soccer players, etc. Georgia, your mother did a good job…
Hi friendforu: On behalf of my mother and myself, thanks for the compliment.
The really great thing I liked about this story is her response. “As my mother always said, “Quality speaks for itself. No need to draw attention to it.” ”
I didn’t always understand what it meant to go for the quality in choosing my mate. Made lots of Chet mistakes (and more) along the way. Easy to seek a lesser partner match. Not so easy to risk going for the quality when there is bigger risk of rejection. But lesser is compromise not worth enduring.
Hi Bob: As you say, lesser is not worth enduring, when that lesser is with us all the time, affecting everything we do, see and think. What a dreary thought!
A friend just passed along this Scientific American article to me. Perhaps it holds the answer to Chet’s problem. http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=why-interacting-with-woman-leave-man-cognitively-impaired.